Understanding

I need to prepare.  Need to do more than live in my head. I need to express myself. I need to come clean… or at least prepare to come clean.

Nobody knows me. I think most would say they do, but they have no idea. You know what I want you to know. Some of it may be deep, all of it revealing enough to bring you closer to me. But the truth is, you never knew me. I have never trusted anyone enough for them to really know me. Maybe if I had, I might not be here in this position today.

How do  justify my actions? How do I make sense of the risks I took? How can I possibly validate my life up to this point?

Who will understand. How can anyone understand? Why would anyone understand? Even I don’t understand!

Sure, I understand what has happened. Yes, I understand it is a reaction to my actions. I knew what I was doing when I did it. I even understand my motivation for doing what I did. But WHY did I act on that motivation?

Some people can fantasize about a passionate affair in their head and act out every sexy scene to the point of masturbation, because they are so unhappy with their sexless, loveless relationship. Then turn around and get flirted on by the most amazing potential affair ever! and all they can do is giggle, blush and say “I’m married...”. Pay for their gas, go home, and proceed  to their routine of no sex and superficial conversation and more fantasizing of what could have become of their life with the affair at the gas station. They don’t do it.

Some people can visualize themselves at work telling their stupid ass boss to “Take this job and shove it up your ass, you fucking jerk!”. Maybe even turn over a chair or wipe the entire contents of the desk onto the floor and storm out feeling satisfied. But then reality sets in that they need this pay check and simply say, “Yes, sir, I’ll get to it right away” and go back to their little cubicle choking back their frustrations.  They didn’t do it.

Some people can watch a scene acted out on television where the bad guy robs a bank and gets away with it, visualize themselves doing it because little Johnny needs medical care their insurance doesn’t cover. Turn around and go to work the next day at Bank of America and not so much as short change the drawer or ask for the raise they have been deserving for 2 years. They don’t do it.

Some people…  Average people… Normal people have moral compasses; consciences that speak to them and spark a fear in them that keep them on the right path. I have that too! God gifted me with these tools too… but who gifted me with the ability it off? Who gave me the ability to ignore the great consequences of my actions? When did I learn to turn off my fear?

One of my personal prides, one of the things I have admired about myself is that I am strong! I do not fall victim to fear and allow it to hold me back. Fear has never served me. I judge others for not having the guts to leave that shitty, underpaying job or that unfulfilling relationship and hate on their excuses for not making the moves that will move them forward in life. LMFAO! Who do I think I am?

I have push past fear so long that when I feel it – when I really feel it, I am excited. I am turned on by it, completely invigorated by it. I am alive because of it! But that is because I have conquered my fears, I have taken the risk, I have leaped over the edge where some people won’t even look down and I survived. I win! What do I think I am? Invincible?

Yes… I believe I thought I was.

I am a gambler that doesn’t know when to take my winnings and run. I have finally crapped out. No one is invincible and losing is always an option.

Do you know that feeling? That feeling of hitting bottom. The feeling that haunts your every waking moment and even creeps into what little sleep you can achieve. The question of how do I get out of this situation is a never ending chant of “you can’t”, “you failed”, “you are a looser”, “you are a complete fucking idiot”, “you deserve what you get”. “Run away”, no, even better… “Kill yourself”. Yes! That is the answer! End it all. “YOU FUCKING COWARD! Not so strong now are you!?”

I have no more options… I have no more hiding places. The consequences are such that I owe everyone I know an explanation that can’t be explained. I can’t kill myself. That goes against my belief – I must take responsibility because that is who I am. I must face my fears, face my peers, face this life I have created head on. I have no other choice but to prepare to come clean. Open my closet and let the bones spill out around your feet.

I never wanted to do that. I thought I did well hiding you from the truth. To everyone who cares for me and to all those I have lied to…  I have never regretted being who I am more than right now. I am sorry.

Be forewarned, this truth may sting.