Thats what she said...

I have heard of people remembering things that happened to them from their childhood much later in life.  Like my mother for instance, at 40 years old she one-day remembered that she had been a victim of child molestation by an Uncle.  I don't remember ever being molested yet when I listen to psychiatrists and people who analyze the lives of people who have been molested I find I relate strongly to their negative behaviors. What is my excuse if I had not been molested?

A check up from the neck up...

I remember waiting in the traditional ‘Waiting room” area and looking around at the few other faces in the room. Glancing around wondering to myself, I wonder what their problem is? The funny thing is, they all LOOKED like they had issues. Do I look like that? Do I wear a tired look of distress on my face? Do my shoulders roll forward, do my eyes seem vacant is my appearance unkempt?  Maybe, maybe not – but one thing for sure is, we all have issues. Before I could imagine and develop the issues of my characters scenarios I heard my name called.

Ms. Scott?

What Got Left Behind…

I went to New York City for 5 days on a vacation. I took my Baby with me and I had a fantastic time. We went sight seeing like true tourists, hit a couple Broadway shows, ate Philly Cheese steaks, visited the Empire State Building, got lost on the subway, ate Huge Slices of Pizza Pie, visited Harlem and the Apollo theater, even went to ground zero. It was a fun filled week.

When it was time to go I packed up all my belongings and rushed to the airport. I couldn’t wait to see my boyfriend and get back to our loving routine. Logan picked me up from the airport and drove me home. I was so happy. As I was unpacking from my week long trip it slowly dawns on me… I forgot the one thing I could not afford to forget.

I left my Baby at the hotel!

What I can’t Deny…

I can’t deny that I am a mixed concoction of African American meets Caucasian persuasion. All of the standard traits one with a mixed heritage like mine possess.

Mixed complexion skin, not ivory or creamy at all, no I would never pass as a white woman. Yet, I am not the chocolate brown that cry’s out “She’s Black!” either. I am in a limbo of lost belonging on a bridge of strange, different... Some say “Exotic”.

Is it? Exotic? Or is that just the kind way of saying you’re weird, but it’s working for you.

Out on bail and going to jail...

Out on bail and going to jail. I don't know when, or for how long because the court proceedings have only just begun, but I am pretty certain that I will loose my freedom.

Understanding

I need to prepare.  Need to do more than live in my head. I need to express myself. I need to come clean… or at least prepare to come clean.

Nobody knows me. I think most would say they do, but they have no idea. You know what I want you to know. Some of it may be deep, all of it revealing enough to bring you closer to me. But the truth is, you never knew me. I have never trusted anyone enough for them to really know me. Maybe if I had, I might not be here in this position today.

How do  justify my actions? How do I make sense of the risks I took? How can I possibly validate my life up to this point?

Who will understand. How can anyone understand? Why would anyone understand? Even I don’t understand!

A Tale...

Once upon a time in a place

there lives a woman in a daze who dreams of yesterday.

Her dreams are so alive that today would pass her by

and when the night would come she wished her life to die.

Her eyes are deep with woe until all who looked would know

that inside she was suffering cause her past she can’t let go.

Her hair is like the seasons and her skin much like pure gold,

With forever in her grasp she might never grow to old.

You can gaze upon her beauty and you feel as if you know her,

and if she could be bought you wish you could afford her.

With bare feet she walks with grace she is like poetry in motion,

people stop and stare just to give her there devotion.

She is that of a mighty queen and majestic like no other,

no one could compare and your heart is drawn to love her.

She speaks of many things and gives all that she can give,

gets nothing in return and this is the life she lives

She doesn’t wear a crown nor flashy jewelery just for show,

but this one thing she wears is very special soon you’ll know.

Surrounded by adversaries she lives a modest life alone,

separate from the world no place to call her own.

Anklets made with beads hand crafted by her love,

bare feet with anklet jewels but no clothing to speak of.

A very humble woman poor indeed of material things

but rich in abundace of life unlike many human beings.

Everything about her is unique and far superb,

but no one knew her name, nor nothings she’s endured.

A mystery she remains in the eyes of all who look in wonder,

not knowing when she came not knowing where she comes from.

She never says a word and keeps quiet to herself

while in her mind she meditates on ways she can be felt.

There is a place she wants to go but danger is all around,

nothing but pain and sorrow is all that can be found.

The Forest of Heavy Souls is where she longs to go

In the Forest of Heavy Souls is a cave tucked far away

thats where she wants to live her life and there she wants to stay.

Away from all the madness of those wanting to come in,

while steping over skeleton bones of those she fought to win.

Scatered all around theres cobwebs left and right,

its dark most of the day but sometimes there is light.

It’s warm and cozy in the forest where she lives by day to day,

not knowing what tomorrow brings or if she can remain.

Sometimes she weeps over sorrows of her soul

and every time she crys apears a rainbows in the sky.

The sun doesn’t aways shine and rain is not a stranger

cause in the forest of heavy souls there often lies some danger.

Afraid to stay inside the cave cause inside shes blind, can’t see,

fear of not knowing what goes on compells her heart to leave.

She steps out the forest into the world so cold and dangerous

feeling lost and insecure hoping nothing changes... 

TBC

Utopia

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This book is written by Selenia Scott, who alone, is creative, but under the influence of love reaches a new height of creative genius. She has written this book in the fashion of a fairy tale rhyme, based on a true story of love, faith and destiny. She is inspired by love and the love that she receives in return, and through these things comes forth the birth of this story.

“UTOPIA”

Lights Camera Action! 10-2-98

Lights Camera Action a star is born like the Fourth of July in Springtime!

Check her out, in those diva sun glasses pretending shes on stage.

Hiding behind a life she made up from scratch cause the one she owns is full of crap. Why not? Lights Camera Action!

There she goes a star is born, dancing under the moon, laughing cause she thinks she’d won by never looking in the mirror. Hiding from the reflection that says “remember me, I am the real one”. Her eyes don’t lie no matter how hard she tried to escape her circumstances. The colorful stories she tells, the way she believes her own lies. Lights Camera Action!

Once again a star is born right before your eyes and if you pay real close attention you can see her cry. Tears behind a smile, anger behind a glance, fear behind her eyes that you might read between the lines and see shes just a four year old little girl.