I
have heard of people remembering things that happened to them from their
childhood much later in life. Like my
mother for instance, at 40 years old she one-day remembered that she had been a
victim of child molestation by an Uncle. I don't
remember ever being molested yet when I listen to psychiatrists and people who
analyze the lives of people who have been molested I find I relate strongly to their negative behaviors. What is my excuse if I had not
been molested?
What
is wrong with me. I can remember from a
very young age being aware of sex and my sexuality. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I
clearly recall a slumber party I was having and I convinced the other three little
girls to get undressed. I don't remember how, we must have been playing some
kind game. I think what stands out the
most to me in that young memory is that my mother walked in on us playing this
game and I had one of my little friends lying naked across my lap and I was
spanking her bottom. I remember feeling shame and embarrassment when we were
found out, I must have known it was wrong? I wasn't “innocent” at my innocent
age. I don't recall my mother scolding
me but I do remember a brief council that basically said you shouldn't do that.
I
remember my cousin and I were the same age and we were allowed to run in the
backyard naked through the sprinklers and we thought that was so much fun. Even then I believe I was turned on by being
a kid and having the feeling of freedom.
I
do remember being molested.
Sometimes
I think I have a memory of what my father's Penis looked like then I wonder
what does that mean. I seem to recall
and memory involving a shower or bath.
So maybe it was as innocent as a shower or a bath. Nevertheless I remember being aware of his
penis.
I
don't remember being molested.
I
do however recall having a crush on my stepmother's boyfriend. He was very cute, everyone used to call me
his shadow. I remember one time being in
the bed between my stepmother and her boyfriend and we were all asleep, or so I
believe. And in his sleep he took my
hand and placed it on his penis. I fell
very still thinking that he confused me with my stepmother. My heart was beating fast and I was scared
his penis was erect but I knew what it was.
I was only maybe eight years old at the time...
On
another occasion he flashed me his penis while sitting down with me having
casual conversation I don't remember what it was about, maybe we were playing a
game, I don't remember. But he was
wearing a black robe with nothing under and he crossed his legs and the robe
opened exposing his nakedness and didn't bother to adjust it. Back then I remember thinking it was an
accident and he didn't realize it. Now I know better, he knew it.
I
don't remember being molested.
I
remember being 12 years old and my two stepbrothers running after me in a game
of hide and seek, but we called it hide and go get it. It was exciting to hide and anticipating of
what happened to me when I was found. My
brothers were only a couple of years older than me so we were all at the age of
puberty. Very curious about the opposite
sex. My brothers may have even had
girlfriends at the time, I don't remember.
I remember them running after me with hard erect penises hanging out of
their jeans. I liked it, and I was turned on.
Of course I wasn't ready for penetration even the thought of penetration
scared me but at the same time excitedly and laughing and running and screaming
all the foreplay, turned me on. I could
feel the hardness press between my legs, and I remember instinctively wanting
it inside me. But we were all young and
scared and felt deep down it was wrong so nothing more ever happened.
But
I don't remember being molested.
In
the ninth grade I lost my virginity to one of my best friends’ brother. Or at
least I thought I lost my virginity. There was no blood, not pain only excitement for me that ended too soon. Is that right for a girls first time?
I
don't remember being molested.
I
do remember being 15 years old and I had a crush on a boy a little older than
me. I probably would've given him some
if he were a little more patient. But
instead he decided to force himself upon me. He went
to jail where I hope Karma paid him a visit.
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