Out on bail and going to jail...

Out on bail and going to jail. I don't know when, or for how long because the court proceedings have only just begun, but I am pretty certain that I will loose my freedom.

I wouldn't describe this problem as "needing a financial intervention" it is far too late for me now. But maybe my story could help someone else.

I was raised an only child, my mom worked long and hard to support us. A morally outstanding woman. I never went hungry, but I went without "things". But I never accepted that I couldn't have whatever I wanted.

This mind set may seem ambitious and positive to some, but for me it has meant nothing but self destruction because I don't stop at anything to HAVE and GET what I want. I set my mind and 9x out of 10, I succeed. But 9x out of 10 I have lied, cheated and/or stole to get it. Many times I was proud of myself.

To look at me you would think, what a beautiful girl, and so personable! People want to know me, and be around me. My close friends admire me and respect my brilliant words of wisdom. So gifted to help others see themselves but not myself.  Funny… All I do is gain trust and all of my life I have not been a trustworthy person. None of my family and friends know how addicted I am to getting a head – I am insatiable – never satisfied with my lot in life. The Jones's are always ahead and I see myself as being far behind. Yet… I made 85k a year.

I have sought out psychological help and have been told crime isn’t an addiction. But I disagree. The thrill and the rush of getting over is exciting to me and gratifying. I really need help. My father was a criminal and a drug addict – my younger brother is in and out of jail – in now - I wonder if it is hereditary.

I am self destructing more and more every day to the point I contemplate suicide every other day and every other day I encourage myself that taking responsibility for my actions won’t kill me, so why should I kill me but it has been mentally and emotionally draining. 

I wonder if I like being self destructive? Do I want to punish myself for some guilty wrong doing?