Out on bail and going to jail...

Out on bail and going to jail. I don't know when, or for how long because the court proceedings have only just begun, but I am pretty certain that I will loose my freedom.

Understanding

I need to prepare.  Need to do more than live in my head. I need to express myself. I need to come clean… or at least prepare to come clean.

Nobody knows me. I think most would say they do, but they have no idea. You know what I want you to know. Some of it may be deep, all of it revealing enough to bring you closer to me. But the truth is, you never knew me. I have never trusted anyone enough for them to really know me. Maybe if I had, I might not be here in this position today.

How do  justify my actions? How do I make sense of the risks I took? How can I possibly validate my life up to this point?

Who will understand. How can anyone understand? Why would anyone understand? Even I don’t understand!

My Future Husband

My future hubby (Logan) is a wonderful addition to our family. He is everything a man should be, and on those very rare occassions where he isn't Mr. Wonderfully Perfect, the so called "transgression" is not only easy to forgive, but easily forgotten. This is the easyiest relationship I have ever had and we are approaching 5 years now. It's awesome! I have never known anyone like him. I admire him and apprecaite him so much. I just feel completely and utterly blessed

A Tale...

Once upon a time in a place

there lives a woman in a daze who dreams of yesterday.

Her dreams are so alive that today would pass her by

and when the night would come she wished her life to die.

Her eyes are deep with woe until all who looked would know

that inside she was suffering cause her past she can’t let go.

Her hair is like the seasons and her skin much like pure gold,

With forever in her grasp she might never grow to old.

You can gaze upon her beauty and you feel as if you know her,

and if she could be bought you wish you could afford her.

With bare feet she walks with grace she is like poetry in motion,

people stop and stare just to give her there devotion.

She is that of a mighty queen and majestic like no other,

no one could compare and your heart is drawn to love her.

She speaks of many things and gives all that she can give,

gets nothing in return and this is the life she lives

She doesn’t wear a crown nor flashy jewelery just for show,

but this one thing she wears is very special soon you’ll know.

Surrounded by adversaries she lives a modest life alone,

separate from the world no place to call her own.

Anklets made with beads hand crafted by her love,

bare feet with anklet jewels but no clothing to speak of.

A very humble woman poor indeed of material things

but rich in abundace of life unlike many human beings.

Everything about her is unique and far superb,

but no one knew her name, nor nothings she’s endured.

A mystery she remains in the eyes of all who look in wonder,

not knowing when she came not knowing where she comes from.

She never says a word and keeps quiet to herself

while in her mind she meditates on ways she can be felt.

There is a place she wants to go but danger is all around,

nothing but pain and sorrow is all that can be found.

The Forest of Heavy Souls is where she longs to go

In the Forest of Heavy Souls is a cave tucked far away

thats where she wants to live her life and there she wants to stay.

Away from all the madness of those wanting to come in,

while steping over skeleton bones of those she fought to win.

Scatered all around theres cobwebs left and right,

its dark most of the day but sometimes there is light.

It’s warm and cozy in the forest where she lives by day to day,

not knowing what tomorrow brings or if she can remain.

Sometimes she weeps over sorrows of her soul

and every time she crys apears a rainbows in the sky.

The sun doesn’t aways shine and rain is not a stranger

cause in the forest of heavy souls there often lies some danger.

Afraid to stay inside the cave cause inside shes blind, can’t see,

fear of not knowing what goes on compells her heart to leave.

She steps out the forest into the world so cold and dangerous

feeling lost and insecure hoping nothing changes... 

TBC

I've Learned...

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas
tree  lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll
miss them when they're gone from your life.

Looking Out...

Looking out across the silver sky wondering how love shines through to blue.

Blue skies with rays of sun to warm the heart, cool breezes to set your mind to soar, high above the clouds were the rain waits to fall and birds dare to follow.

There it’s like paradise they only a chosen few can partake of. Where lies ceased to exist and peace is an abundance.  No wars of the heart no fighting by words, no pain only happiness and joy in countless days of foreverness.

Time lingers on like stands falling through the hour glass… only empty… if never becomes full of life and love…. it continues to flourish like the earth under Gods supervision..

Destiny I follow thee because of you there is a me and a dream I must succeed.  From time indefinite I can be free.  Free from this system of things, free from all hurt and pain, I will live again.  under new direction, under pure perfection, I can finally be the me I need to be.

I continue to watch as purple haze becomes the sky, no sun set today but the moon begins to shine like the sparkle in your eyes, big and bright I’m drawn to the light.  Like the ora of your soul I’m touched buy it, like the tydes that are guided by it, I am moved.

Wishing you are here to enjoy this experience because I feel weak and oh so vulnerable. So much like the elements you are to meet because of all the joy they bring me, natural beauty is what I find in you as if the universe and all that’s in it binds you.

When you gaze upon the stars do you say hello my brothers and sisters.  When the wind blows do you blow with it.  When the rain falls do you tell your mother not to cry or when the earth shakes, father don’t be angry?

Interesting theory this is I must say because you affect people in a special way.

No matter what the answer, it doesn’t really matter because you be long to me and I really couldn’t be happier.  With all the joy and love you bring you could make the whole world sing. Sing like rare birds of paradise, songs of never strife, it fills the air with the hum that lulls the evil to slumber.

Take a break spirits of evil, too much energy being spent.  24 hours a day of pain, suffering and tournament.  Even they can become tired of all the rigamarow. but until the rare bird of paradise sings to them they never know.  Like some thing smooth and hipnotic the sound embellishes the earth like a wave of compassion kissing the universe.

Step back for a moment and take a look around, delight in the wonder, cherish the sound. peace and silence you could hear a single rain drop.

AN ANSWERED PRAYER

When I was down and out, when I wanted to die,

I prayed to the Lord for a way to survive.

I didn’t know then, but to my world you were conceived,

Baby, for me you were made alive and in this I must believe.

God knew what I needed and my love, you are the one.

The answer to my prayers, now my life’s just begun.

With you I will live, for the rest of my days,

and treasure each moment, ‘cause I’ll never be the same.